Thinking Out Loud

William R. Brody
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By William R. Brody
Cellulitis: Second Def'n
If you trained in the health care field, or perhaps if
you or a family member had this affliction, you will
immediately recognize the term "cellulitis." And if you
have ever seen cellulitis or, worse yet, been the
unfortunate victim of this infection, you will have a
knee-jerk revulsion when the term is used.
Just to be sure of the definition, I checked with
Merriam-Webster and Stedman's Medical
Dictionary, and they concur with the following
definition:
cel-lu-li-tis (seùl'y-li'tiùs) n. A spreading
inflammation of subcutaneous or connective tissue.*
More detail is provided by Wikipedia, the
online shareware encyclopedia:
Cellulitis is an inflammation of the connective tissue
underlying the skin that can be caused by a bacterial
infection. Cellulitis can be caused by normal skin flora or
by exogenous bacteria, and often occurs where the skin has
previously been broken: cracks in the skin, cuts, burns,
insect bites, surgical wounds or sites of intravenous
catheter insertion. The mainstay of therapy remains
treatment with appropriate antibiotics. It is unrelated to
cellulite, a cosmetic condition featuring dimpling of the
skin.
Let's stop right here: This isn't a column on how to
treat diseases, or about the fact that the overuse of
antibiotics is rendering many cases of cellulitis
increasingly resistant to antibiotic therapy. I'll leave
that to the medical journals and to the experts at Johns
Hopkins Medicine.
Rather, I am invoking a second, alternative definition
for the term cellulitis, one that I think will invoke
similarly unpleasant reactions by our readers. If my
readers agree, I think I will submit this new definition to
Wikipedia:
cel-lu-li-tis (seùl'y-li'tiùs) n. [second def'n]. A
spreading epidemic condition related to the overuse of cell
phones in public places. Often characterized by
inappropriate, loud speaking by the cellulite [see
cellulite: new definition for cell phone user], cellulitis
may occur in restaurants, on trains, planes, buses, in
concert halls, etc., causing irritation bordering on
inflammation in many innocent victims who happen to be
within audible range. Another example of cellulitis occurs
when, during a critically sensitive passage of a Beethoven
violin concerto being performed by an orchestra, a cell
phone in the audience suddenly spews forth, at 60 decibels
or more, a 30-second version of Hello Dolly or Bach's Missa
Solemnis.
Unlike the primary definition of cellulitis, this new
version has no known cure. Some establishments have enacted
rules prohibiting the use of cell phones within their walls
but, as in Amtrak "Quiet Cars," the rules are often flouted
either deliberately or by cellulites who can't read
signs.
I was dining with my family recently at a very nice
restaurant and, while I was beginning to enjoy the nice
ambience and exquisite cuisine, my peace was severely
encroached upon as a woman at the far corner of the
restaurant proceeded to pull out her cell phone and start a
conversation that was fully intelligible even to me, with a
rather substantial high-frequency hearing loss.
With my serenity shattered, I decided to think about
ways to stop this growing example of antisocial behavior.
Maybe we can get City Council to enact an ordinance, like
nonsmoking laws, to prohibit cell phone usage in certain
public spaces. I quickly rejected that one — probably
no one would support it, and even if ordinances were
enacted, you can foresee the difficulty of enforcement. We
have a hard enough time getting drivers to stop at red
lights; how can we keep them from pushing the "send" or
"answer" button on their cell phone?
So why not employ good old Yankee ingenuity to solve a
particularly nasty problem? In desperation, I am contacting
the Johns Hopkins Applied Physics Laboratory. I'm sure we
must have experts in radar jamming and other forms of
electronic countermeasures. We will develop low-cost
sophisticated jamming equipment that will render cell
phones unable to receive signals inside buildings that have
installed this new "CellJammer" technology. I also wonder
if they might be able to help design a hand-held personal
CellJammer so I could use it when encountering some
knucklehead yelling and screaming over his cell far above
the background noise level.
I plan to start a company to manufacture this product,
and I believe our revenues ultimately could exceed $1
billion a year. In fact, I even have the next product on
the drawing boards. It's called BoomerJam: a jamming system
for "boombox-itis." With it, you can instantly knock out
the rapping on the car audio system next to you that is
shaking the earth at about 4.5 on the Richter scale.
Excuse me, got to run now ... just got an important
call on my cell phone from the new vice president for
marketing and sales. This is going to be big.
*
The American Heritage Stedman's Medical Dictionary.
Copyright 2002, 2001, 1995 by Houghton Mifflin
Co.

William R. Brody is president
of The Johns Hopkins University.
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2006
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